When we think of grief we think the death of a loved one, but grief can be experienced in a wide range of situations, including marriage breakup , burglary ,loss of identity as children grow up , retirement , loss of job, health problems or any other kind of significant loss.
I am a South Asian woman and I endured domestic abuse in my married life, now my passion is to help other women through the process of healing from survival to thriving and creating a life they want.
I share lots of different tools to help you on your journey.
I was born in India immigrated to England when I was three with my family. My life however was mapped out for me from the moment I was born. I was taught never to question anything but to do as l was told – all decisions were taken out of my hands – what I studied, my career, whom l married, how to be a good Asian wife and mother. Inside something was hollow which l could not fill.
During my marriage l experienced Narcissistic abuse - belittling comments and criticism damaging me emotionally plus financial and sexual abuse, It left me with feelings of low self worth, guilt , isolation, anxiety and depression with no one to turn to. I was raised never to talk about family stuff outside the home so l carried the shame of not being good enough throughout my marriage .
As the children grew up l worked longer hours in my career in housing to avoid the sadness within my marriage and to be able to continue the perfect marriage image I had created. Issues were still there and it became unbearable to ignore and I had to make decisions to change my life.
By the time l was 37 years old l had suffered the biggest grief of my life – my mother took her own life less than 2 years after my father died from a massive heart attack. I was devastated my world crumbled around me and I was left empty and hollow inside.
l just wanted to hide away - be invisible.
And that’s how l stayed for years; I numbered all those feeling by working excessively and drinking, because l thought l was doing right by my kids and not realising the damage l was causing them. My marriage did not improve, l continued to endure abuse. I was told by family that l had to stay otherwise no one would marry my beautiful daughter, so l stayed 13 more years keeping up appearances despite the sadness within my marriage and to be able to continue with the ‘perfect family’ image.
Then just after my 50th birthday l finally left my husband; it was a spur of the moment decision and within 3 months of me leaving he took his life.
It was at this stage l dealt with all the grief l had experienced losing my dad, my mum and my husband with an array of feelings of anger, rage guilt and sadness. These are all natural feelings which at the time but l did not understand them. I slowly came to accept all the grief that l experienced, but the pain did not go away completely but l had come to live with the pain of losing my mum in tragic circumstances.
After my husband’s death, there was no script that l wanted to follow but my own gut feelings.
l decided to invest in my personal self-worth and re-examine who l wanted to be for me and my family and no longer to please others. I decided to change my career in housing.
I chose to develop self-love: something that l never had done.
I had some counselling initially and slowly l decided to follow my compassion to help other South Asian women on their journey. I gained qualifications in hypnotherapy and counselling and read a lot of books on self-help. l now wants to share my experience and knowledge to help you on your journey to become visible again – bring the colour back into your life – you only have one life.
Let me give you a helping hand
to move forward through your grief and loss
to become visible again
A moment of calm to explore what's holding you back and unlock patterns, negative thoughts and hidden blocks.
Gentle and effective traditional counselling sessions to help you understand the intense emotions that you may be dealing with.
Chai & Heal
A safe space to share your experience of grief and loss with other likeminded women. Let's support each other in our healing journey.
“My sessions with Surinder are not just about my grief. Although we focus on that mainly, she has also picked up on the other issues in my life and we are working on those too. I come away from sessions feeling positive and if that feeling doesn’t last throughout the week, it’s talked about at the next session.
Each session has me looking forward to the next.”